It all started in May when we decided that I would stop taking the pill.
I had thought this would help with some of the symptoms I was having
with CFS since I felt better when I was on my period and of course
not taking the pill that week. Although we knew of course that we could
get pregnant we weren't really trying for it and were expecting to to take
some time before we would anyway. Then 2 months later the pregnancy test
came back positive. Gerard and I were so happy. We smiled at each other
for days on end and were excited to tell the news to our family and friends.

The weeks went on until I was 10 weeks pregnant and we had our first visit to
the verloskundige ( midwife) Although she still couldn't find a heartbeat
she had told us before hand that it was rare to hear a heart beat that early but we
had wanted to go in for a check up before our vacation to Turkey.
On Sept 12th our world collapsed.We went in for the first ultrasound. At first
we were very excited to see the first pictures of our baby. But quickly the person
doing the ultrasound told us she saw a thick neck which could indicate a chromsome
problem such a Down's Syndrome or something life threatening. Also she saw
that the cord was thicker than normal. We were sent to the hospital in Amsterdam
for further tests that same day.

At the VU they told us the same things we had heard earlier that day but the baby
was still too small to put the info into the computer to calculate a percentage
of what could be wrong. So we were told to come back the following week.
The following week was filled with worry and then the day came when we could
go back to the hospital for another ultrasound. They entered the info into the
computer and the chances of Down's syndrome were 1 in 9 and of something life
threatening was 1 in 16. We had to go back the next day for an amniocenthesis
and then we had to wait 4 or 5 days for the results. The doctor called Gerard at
work just before he was ready to come home. It was great news. The baby was
a boy and all he had as an extra Y chromsome. This could mean some learning and
behaviour problems later but after what we were expecting it was very happy
news for us. Gerard came home with a red rose and a blue baby ornament.

We had to go to the hospital again the next day for an explaination of what it
would mean for our baby boy that he has an extra Y chromsome.
We were also sent for another ultrasound and our world fell apart again.
We had forgotten all about the thick cord and they then told us that it was
alot thicker than they would expect at that stage and they assume the intestines
and maybe even some organs were growing in the cord instead of in his body.
They told us to cancel our vacation as we might have to think about terminating the
pregnancy. I can't even begin to tell you the feelings you experience at that time.

We went back for routine ultrasounds about once a week and at 16 weeks we
were transferred to the hospital in Leiden because we were thinking if we
had to stay in the hospital for weeks or months after his birth I wanted
to be close to my parents. At 16 weeks the doctor told us he would make a few more
ultrasounds and at 19 weeks we would gather around with a few doctors and
decide what to do and what the possibilities were. He did an ultrasound that
day and he said everything still looked the same. On Oct 18 ( 17 weeks )
we went for another ultrasound and that was when we heard that his heart
was no longer beating. Our little boy had passed away some time in the
previous week. We then spent the afternoon talking to doctors and social
workers which is all a bit of a blur to us. It was decided I would be admitted
the next day to be induced.

On Oct 19th we went to the hospital at 4pm and by 5:30 I was hooked up to the IV that
would bring on the contractions. The nurse already warned us that the pain
was more intense than a "regular birth" because once the contraction started
it would just continue to get worse and not ease up at all. My parents came
to spend the evening with us and by the time they went home the
contractions were starting. We decided to get some sleep but as we were
settling in to bed the pain got very bad and then my water broke.
That relieved a bit of the pain for a while. But by 12:30 I was in a terrible
amount of pain and Gerard convinced me to get the epidurel. That was a big relief.
After that took effect we settled in to get some rest. Gerard got a bit of sleep but I
just dozed off occassionally. At 5 am I called the nurse in. I could feel
something wet and she took a look and said the baby is coming. She woke up
Gerard and called the doctor.

After 1 push our little boy Liam entered the world at 5:10 am Oct 20, 2001.
For me it was a wonderful and beautiful experience but for Gerard it
was the most difficult time. We were left alone to look at him and take pictures
He was so tiny and yet so complete. He was 113 grams and 13 cm long.
We could even see a little penis which looked like a pimple.
My parents and Gerard's mother came as soon as we
called them. We had a talk with a genetists later and he told us the abdominal rupture
that Liam had was very severe and he would not have been expected to live after
birth. Most of his organs were growing outside of his little body. He asked if we
would leave Liam there aso they could do an autopsy and we also decided
to let the hospital arrange for the cremation after the autospy was done, which
would take a month or so.

We were released from the hospital that same afternoon and that was when
I fell apart. I thought my heart would break as I left the hospital without my
baby. I have never felt such heartache before in my life. The days , weeks
and months that have passed since have been filled with a bag full of emotions.
We will never be the same again.

We got a call the middle of MArch that he was finally cremated and
his ashes scattered on March 11, 2002. When I asked why it had taken so
long she just said there was some miscommunications. Our due date for Liam
would have been March 31, 2002. Liam will always be our first baby boy and
we love him very much. He will always be part of our family
even if it is just in our hearts.